A quote shared to my was an answer to a long time struggle....

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them." ~Jennifer James

So I have been dealing with a lot of stuff in the last year or two. It has been hard for me to be alone in Bakersfield and not have friends. I guess I have been pampered when I was in Hawaii, having so many friends, even considered them family to call and just talk to...even share stories, laughters, and tears with. It has been a blessing for me and my family to be given the opportunity to get to know what we are capable of as we strive to live through struggles and challenges alone. I guess it was a good struggle because I have my husband and son to draw strength from.

However, in the last 2 years, I have gone through personal challenges of envy, jealousy, and hate. It has been from mis-communication with friends, planned activities not going through, personal struggles, not feeling at ease with some decisions I make, not being able to feel my self worth, and a lot more to tell...

I have been able to sit and think of why I feel this way...and when I read the quote...it hit me... "clearly the fear that [I] do not have value"... I have been feeling this because of envy for others...and that I do not value myself...

I wish it was easy to say...but Christ didn't have it easy as well. Being in this situation has taught me that I am not alone. That I have someone to turn to for comfort. Christ has been through all the hurt, pain, afflictions, and suffering that I may, in turn partake of the blessing of the atonement. All I have to do is to "Put all [my] energy into building [my] personal and emotional security. Then [I] will be the one others envy, and [I] can remember the pain and reach out to them."

Physical and emotional pain...

I guess its about time that I shared something worth talking about. I came accross a situation where I am torn between 2 evils...Physical or emotional Pain...whatever the reason ehind it, I struggle with being in agreement to which one is better. But I guess if I had to choose, I would rather take the Physical pain than emotional pain. Physical pain heals...as time goes by, it tends to be forgotten...but then again, it leaves an emotional effect...in time, after so much of the Physical pain...leads to one huge chunk of emotional trauma...drama and all the weight that comes with it...Having said that...I would choose to I guess avoid both than have one that leads to the other...

Forgiveness is hard to give but it is better to give it away if it means that I am free from the Physical and emotional Pain that comes with not giving it away. I am greatful for one thing that I have learned on my mission, and that is the blessing of the atonement of Christ. I guess without it, I would have not realized that whatever type of pain I will be dealing with in this life...I have Jesus Christ's example and love to be thankful for because I know that I will be Ok...

My Son has been a strength to me the last 2 1/2 years because I have seen him go through tests and a surgeries and doctors, and recoveries that has brought him so much pain and emotional discomfort, but after each surgery, each doctor's appointment, each needle poked to his finger/thigh, and all that good stuff...he fights back and hard...strong, and valiant. He comes out better and strongger. It has been a great couple years being one to stay with him and learn from his example.

I know I can be strong because my 2 yr old son is...

Last night's event...

So on my FB status, I thanked my husband for being so willing to watch Kohath while I party. I had to got o a conference with my future(hopefully) employer about real estate and while at the event...I kept looking at my Phone...I suddenly missed kohath. and when it rang the first time...I ran to the back of the room and quickly answered it. I was scared that something might have happened to my son...but it was just kamille asking me how it was going...I should have listened to JV when she said to put my phone on silent mode.

After the event, my two boys met me and found out what they did for daddy and son time. Guess...shopping at burlington coat factory...

I would not be surprised when Kohath grows older that he will get daddy's "being fond of shopping" attitude. It was funny cos Kohath came home with a stripes oshkosh b gosh shirt, a blue nautica shirt, and a cream sean john jacket. I said....OMG this kid has dad's taste with clothes...now i really need to find a job.

Thoughts...

At church one sunday, a song entitled "have I done any good in the world today" was sung. And then I thought of my yesterdays deeds. I have never really done worth remembering, and note worthy. I do not feel like I have been able to influence others for good. I feel like my spiritual and emphatic life has been stagnant for quite a long time now.

I wish I was a better person, a better friend, a better mother, a better wife, a better sister, a better daughter. Life is too short to live it only superficially. Asa personal goal, I wish to put myself more out in the open to be more helpful and not expect anything n return for it. And maybe the next time the song "have i done any good in the world today" is sang in Church, I will have a better feeling than the one I had that one sunday at church.

sobrang hirap...

sa totoo lang sobrang stressed na ako dahil sobrang hirap maghanap ng bahay. Sobrang hirap din maghanap ng Realtor na talagang totoong tumulong dahil lang gusto nyang tumulong. Di ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Medyo on hold pa ngayon ang pagbili ng bahay dahil sa katangahan ng aming realtor...pinull nila ang aming credit before ng 30 days so bumaba nanaman and credit score ...hay katangahan talaga ng mga tao. so ngayon, kelangan ulit namin maghintay ng 30 days bago ulit mapreapprove. my gosh...di ko alam ang gagwin ko...pero nasurprise talaga ako kasi kabaliktaran ng reaction na ineexpet ko ang naging reaction ng aking mahal na asawa. sabi lang nya...siguro hon, di pa tym para makabili tayo ng bahay. Kelangan pa siguro nating magipon ng pang down and everything. So now ok na ako...medyo stressed parin pero mas ok na ako kasi calm si kamille. Pero pag natalo ang LA Lakers ngayong gabi...lagot na dahil yun ang magiging trigger ng pagkatopak ni kamille. So good luck nalang sa lakers...sana eh manalo sila...

My cute little Kohath under the influence of heavy medication...

On Monday the 20th of April, kohath finally had his surgery. It was a terrible day to do it because we were down south the weekend before. Spent a few days with family and friends and got home at 12 midnight that sunday. We then had to get up at 3am to get to Madera at 6m in time for his scheduled surgery. He was trying to wake up but was still looking sleepy...

When we got there, he was still playing and was enjoying the toys they had at the Day Surgery.

H1B cap 2010 was not hit during first 5 days. So, this is good news to companies that submitted H1B this year. There will be no lottery.

So yesterday, kamille send me an email he got from CBIZ HR and their Lawyers saying how their H1B visa has been accepted and is in process and that all 6 applicants will be relieved to know of this event.  So kamille and i were excited yet hesitant to be relieved...so today i was going through Caping updates for h1b's and i found this article on www.happyschoolsblog.com/h1b-cap-fy-2010-not-hit/  and it says everything reassuring.  

The last year was trully a trying time for me because of uncertainties of our situation.  the hardest were the last couple of months because i have been stressing out so much because of how uncertain our future could be without Kamille's H1B.  Prayers are really answered if the desires of our hearts are pure.

A few weeks ago, i was accused of not being true to the promises I made when I signed a contract for IWES at BYUH, which is to return home after I finish school.  I was even told that if I were true to my word, I should prove this person wrong...and that I should go home and do what I said I was to do after graduation.  After that accusation, I thought to myself...he might have a point...although I am still in the states legally because my husband was given an opportunity to stay and work here.  So I talked to family and friends and others who might be of comfort...The Lord , in prayers being the first I turned to.  All these people had different yet so similar effect on me and had been able to comfort me through this struggle.  

Overall, I know I am where I am, with people I need to be around with, and doing what I am doing because of the choices I made through the help of the Lord.  I know that others may think otherwise, but I know that the Lord is happy with my decision to keep my family together, be a support to my wonderful husband and son.

It was not so easy to decide to stay in the States.  We struggled too.  Being away from family was the biggest concern..but as we look forward with faith and determination applying everything we have learned in life, we will be better people, and along the way touch at least one person we meet and make a difference in their life.

Still going through a little bit of stress because we may not be so certain until kamille has the approval, but I know the Lord knows what we need and that he will grant us blessings if we do what is right.